Reminiscing

I could still remember it clearly like it was just like yesterday. It was still clear and I can still recall all the details that had happened. In the past years when I came across that thought, I got annoyed, mad or irritable. It was really a pain for me when I try to remember all those that had happened. As years went by little by little, when I remember that certain event in my life the pain got less and less. It was just this week that I realized that I was not upset anymore and I was happy. I was happy to the point that when I try to think of that event I find myself smiling and thinking again and reminiscing all that had happened. 

Sabi nga, you have truly moved on kapag naisip mo ung tao at ung mga ginagawa nyo dati at hindi ka na naiinis sa tuwing naiisip nyo ang mga bagay na ginawa ninyo. It was like that for me. Ngayon, sa tuwing naiisip ko yung dati, hindi na ako naiinis o kaya nagagalit o kaya naiirita. Kapag naaalala ko hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti na lang kasi parang sa loob loob mo ang sarap din pala nung ganung feeling, yung walang galit para sa isang tao o kaya hindi ka nagtatanim ng kung ano man dahil nasaktan ka o kung ano man. Para sa akin sapat na yung nakilala mo siya at kahit papaano naging parte siya ng buhay mo. Kasi kahit papaano minahal mo pa din ung taong yun at kahit anong sabihin mo meron padin kahit konting pagmamahal para sa kanya na naiwan dyan sa puso mo. Dati nung nangyari ung day na nagpaalam na kami sa isa't isa parang wala lang. Parang isang kaibigan lang na nagpaalam tapos magkikita lang kayo ulit bukas. Pero hindi pala ganun. After ilang days, doon lang dumating ung feeling na masakit din pala. Yung feeling na parang sinasaksak ka kasi nawalan ka ng isang kaibigan na sobrang napamahal na sayo. 

Nagkaron pa din naman kami ng chance para makapag usap. Nagcelebrate ng birthday ung isang friend namin, at parehas kaming nandun. Nag usap kami at ayun parang iyon na din yung last time namin na nagkasama. Naglaro lang kami ng cards hanggang umaga at kumanta sa videoke :)) tapos nag poker din kami. Oha san ka pa ang saya lang! Pero yun na din ung last chance ko na makasama sya pala. Kasi after nun wala na di na kami nagkita or nakapag usap. 3 years ago nung nangyari ito. Medyo matagal na din pero ngaun ko lang narealize yung mga kalokohan namin noon. Masaya din naman kahit papaano. Nakita ko nga pala siya a year ago, ayun nagkatinginan lang kami at nagngitian pero hindi kami nag usap. Sapat na siguro yun at least nagpapansinan :)). 

I made this post because it made me realize that in your life, every person that you come across with will always be a part of the person that you are today, and that they had influenced your life in one way or another. It made me feel better that I had shared that thought and that finally it was out of my system. Also because someone told me that to be free from all worries, let go of the things that hold you back. So from now on, no more worries for me. I will live my life the way I want it to be. To my friend who told me to let go of all my worries, thank you very much for making me realize the things that I had been missing. And to my friend from 3 years ago, you will still be my friend no matter what. I love you and always take care and thank you for the memories. 

The Chance

Lately I have been through a phase where I really felt that emotional burden haunting me. It was just that time for me to think and ponder on the things that are happening in my life. It was a really difficult time for me, but I am trying to feel good and be better. 

So enough of the past, I just want to share my thoughts regarding a question that had struck me yesterday. It was during my IT lab. My lab instructor gave us a set of questions and we have to answer it truthfully. There was this one question that caught my attention. The question goes like this...

"If you were given the chance, what chance would that be and why?" 

I thought that what my instructor was asking was absurd because I did not got her when she asked the question for the first time, but when she repeated the question it was time for me to get serious and think of a viable answer. It took me a while to think of an answer to the question. Since my instructor only asked me to write one answer in the paper, I only wrote one, but since I am writing here in my blog, I will write all of those chances that I want to have and why. 

First. To have a chance to travel around the world. 

I really want to travel around the world. If I were given the chance to travel around the world I will grab the opportunity. It was my childhood dream to travel around the world. I remember, when I was still young, when my classmates go abroad for vacation, I feel jealous because I did not have the chance to go abroad and spend my vacation there. So, if were given the chance to travel around the world, I will gladly accept it and I will bring my camera and take pictures of those wonderful places and for those pictures to serve as proof that I had been to that place. 

Second. To have a chance to visit the past. 

Yes, I know that this is a cliche. Visiting the past and changing it, but for me, I would just want to go to the past and relive those happy memories when all I do is smile and not have a knowledge of what pain is emotionally. I want to see what made me into the person that I am today and I want to see how happy I was then when receiving a kiss from my parents and cousins. I want to go to the past when my grandfather was still alive and those times that we used to spend every afternoon together playing. I want to know what happened to my childhood friends and where are they now. There are so many things in the past that I want to revisit and if I were given that chance then I will happily accept it. 

Third. To have a choice and won't regret it. 

Choosing between things is hard and sometimes we must bear with the consequences. If I were given the chance to choose and do not regret what I choose, then it will be totally awesome. Every choice we make is like a pain in the ass. Yes, it is really hard especially when the choices are really good. I want to have this chance simply because lately I have been having a dilemma over these choices. I had made my choice and now I am regretting why did I choose this kind of thing. I will not elaborate more on this because it makes me sad. 

Fourth. To make a change.

For me, making a change and an impact on the world is what a person must do. I want to make or start or stir a change for a person, for the community, for the country and even for myself. I want to make an impact to someone's life and hope that it will be for the better. It will be pleasure for me if I could change a person or help change a person to be better not only for himself but also for others. 

Fifth. To love and be love.

This is so ideal. They say that love is the best feeling that you could give and that you could receive. Well it is still a mystery and I still have to find out if it is true. If I were given the chance to feel it and to give it to another person then I think it will be the time for me to think if what they say is true or not. I will not and I cannot elaborate more on this topic simply because I am sensitive to this kind of topic. It is for me to know and for you yo find out hahaha! 

Lastly. To have the chance to have all these chances.

This is self explanatory. It is simple, if I cannot get the chances to have these chances then all of the things that I wrote here will not come true and I cannot fulfill what I want to do. So if I will be given the chance to have all these chances then it will be truly cool, awesome and amazing! :) 

Minsan lang ito

Minsan lang ito mangyari sa akin. Kaya pasensya na 

Hindi ko mawari kung bakit at kung papaano pero alam mo ung pakiramdam na pagod na pagod ka na sa mga bagay. Yung tipong paulit ulit na nangyayari sa'yo ang mga bagay. Pagod na akong masaktan. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit pagdating sa ganito lagi na lang ako ang dehado. Minsan iniisip ko buti pa sila ganito, buti pa sila ganan, buti pa siya ganito, buti pa siya ganan eh pano naman ako? Pano naman ang nararamdaman ko? Pano naman ako kung lagi na lang ganito? Minsan iniisip ko kung sino bang mali. Ako ba o ikaw o siya o sila. Ang hirap isisi ang isang bagay lalo na kung alam mo namang ikaw talaga ang may kasalanan kung bakit nangyayari sa'yo ito. Alam mo ung feeling na di mo maiwasan ang sarili mo na pumunta sa ganitong situation. Minsan kasi hindi ko rin nakikita na dun na pala patungo ang mga bagay, bigla ko na lang malalaman na eto na naman ako sa ganitong situation. Mahirap para sa akin kasi lagi na lang akong nasasaktan ng walang karapatan. Kung baga sino ba ako? Hindi ko nga rin alam kung dapat ba o hindi dapat pero ang alam ko lang lagi na lang huli na. Kung kailan nandun na ako tsaka ko malalaman ang mga bagay na hindi ko na lang sana nalaman para hindi na ako nagkakaganito. 

Hindi ko naman ginusto na mangyari ito. Sino bang tao na nasakatinuan ang gugustuhing gawin ito sa sarili nya? Ang paulit ulit na masaktan? Pagod na ako sa ganung situation. I want to let go of the past but it seems that the past can't let me go. Hindi ko naman talga intention iyon nung una pero bigla na lang dumadating ang mga pagkakataon. Akala ko nga eto na, eto na ang oras, eto na ang iniitay ko, eto na ang magpapasaya sa akin, kaso mali pala ang initay ko. Nakaranas nga ako ng saya pero panandalian lang kasi sa tuwing nakikita ko ang ayaw kong makita, dun pumapasok ang lungkot, ang pighati at ang katotohanan na minsan hanggang dun lang talaga. Hanggang dun lang ang lugar mo, hanggang diyan ka lang. Kapag pinilit ko namang umusad pa, lalo lang akong masasaktan. Bakit ka pa uusad papunta dun kung alam mo namang walang naghihintay sa'yo dun at alam mo namang masasaktan ka lang doon? Hindi ba dapat manatili ka na lang kung nasan ka ngayon at hayaan na lang na ang panahon na ang magpasya kung ano ang dapat mangyari? Pero kung ganun ang gagawin mo, na hahayaan mo lang ang panahon na umayos nito para sa'yo lalo ka lang mahihirapan kasi nakatunganga ka lang at naghinintay. Naghihintay sa pagkakataon na posibleng dumating o posible din namang kahit kailan ay hindi na dumating. Mahirap maghintay, masakit maghintay at higit sa lahat ang pinakamasakit ay yung nandyan na bigla pang mawawala. 

Lagi kong sinasabi sa mga kaibigan ko na ilabas mo lang yan, ok lang yan, minsan talga kainlngan nating maging mahina at hindi pwede yung lagi tayong matatag. 

Pero itong mga bagay na sinasabi ko sa kanila ay di ko naman magawa para sa asarili ko. Lagi kong pinipilit na magpakatatag na wag bumigay sa mga problema, na kaya ko ang mga bagay. Pero mali pala ako. Hindi ko pala kaya na lagi na lang akong nagpapakatatag kapag ganito na ang nangyayari. Gusto ko minsan umiyak, gusto ko sumigaw, gusto ko magwala pero lagi kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko kasi hindi ko alam kung dapat ba na gawin ko ang mga ganung bagay. Mahirap sobrang hirap. Nakakapagod. Gusto ko na sumuko minsan pero tuwing naiisip ko kung bakit nga ba ako kumapit ng ganun katagal lalo ko pang pinipilit na kumapit at wag bumitaw.

The minute you thought of giving up, think of the reason why you hold on too long. 

Kaya naman ayokong sumuko. Ayokong matalo at ayokong magpatalo. 

Minsan na akong nasaktan pero gano nga ba kadalas ang minsan? Gano nga ba karami ang kaunti? Paano nga ba bibitiw kung lagi kang binibigyan ng dahilan para kumapit? Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. Sa bawat saya at tuwang nadarama ko, lungkot at pighati naman ang dumadalaw pagkatapos nito. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang paniniwalaan ko. 

Goodbye Sembreak

It will be only a few hours before school starts again. The good thing is that my schedule for this second semester is quite full of breaks and I have only few classes and only 1 lab class. This sembreak for me was full of fun, laughter and tears. It was a good thing that I had the chance to see my batchmates again and talk, mess around, play and have fun. It will take us a couple of weeks to meet again.

Since school will start tomorrow, I have a few things planned for my second semester to be productive. First of all I must finish my registration by tomorrow. I also want to meet new friends in my other subjects. I will study hard and finish all my requirements in time. I want to finish organic chemistry with flying colors and proceed to biochemistry next semester. I want to balance fun and study and to manage my time correctly. I will do my org works and be a responsible member of the organization that I belong to. I will think first before I act on things so that I won't regret the results in the end. I will control my temper and be the friendliest person around the campus (HAHAHA).

This coming semester, I promise myself that my emotions won't get the best of me. That what I do will be the right one and I will choose carefully when given the choices. I will limit myself  from thinking about my personal problems and think more of my academic problems. I will choose to be better and I will change for the better. I will study harder and keep in mind that what I do is not for someone else but for myself. I will be better for myself because in the end the only person that can stop me from succeeding is myself. I will also try to move on and forget and let go of all my troubles, sufferings, heart aches and pains. It is time to move forward and not look back.

This will be an epic semester!

I'll miss them :)

Wasabe/Puto Team :) 

Being an alumnus of UP Rural High School gives me the opportunity to handle and teach kids during the annual intramurals. We are now in our second year in college and our batch is handling the second year high school students. I am really happy for the opportunity to teach them things and for them to also teach me things. I appreciate their respect for us, their trainers and we are also happy to have them not only as trainees but also as their friend. 

Lunch with the kids 

Lunch with the kids 2 

We had funny times together and we shared our laughter and tears. It makes me sad knowing that school will start really soon and it will take a long time for us to see each other again. I really love these kids and they are like my little brothers and sisters. I do think that sometimes we spoil them too much because we give them what they want. Being with them in every training I forgot the age gap between us. These kids are aged 14-15 and I am already 18. It makes me feel younger when I am with them and what I like about them is that they don't see us as their trainers but they also see us as their "Kuya" and "Ate" and as a friend.  

The Trainers/Coaches

The Trainers/Coaches with Krizia! 

The way these kids play their game is like they give their heart out. You can see the passion and determination with every dig, set and spike that they do. They are still young yet they have these skills way advance than what we have and I think that they can be better players and coaches someday. Sometimes I think that I don't deserve to coach them or train them because they are better than me and because of the injury that I had suffered, but they never see me as someone not capable of handling them. In fact they even cared for me and they are concerned. They are the ones with me when I was brought to the emergency room. During that time, I did not cry because I want to be strong for them. 

Ivan, Carlo and Marx crying because they lost the elimination round

Though our volleyball boys team lost and ended up in 3rd place, we are still proud of them because they gave a good and close fight against the Seniors. They did not easily give up but instead they put on a fight and challenged their upper class men. They cried their hearts out after the game and I was really sad because Carlo, one of my favorite player was crying his eyes out and telling sorry. I told him that it is not his fault and he does not have to be sad because it was a good game. Ivan, their team captain, also cried really hard and Marx gave a pretty good fight even though in the middle of the game he is suffering from cramps.  

Volleyball Girls MVP, Mikee

It was a different story for our volleyball girls. They had beaten their upper class men and ended victorious and bagging the championship for their batch. The game was pretty good and every point the audience was cheering our team. It was a dream come true for us because the team came second last year and almost got the championship. 

I am really proud and happy for them. They will go a long way, farther than we had gone. They made us feel that we are special and important for them. I am really thankful to have met them. Next year when we meet again, it will be like we never had left training and I am really looking forward for them winning another championship.  

Letting Go and Moving on: Featuring the Rubber Band Theory

This post was suggested by a friend of mine because she wants to know my stand about this topic and to explain what the rubber band theory is. For the sake of expressing myself better, I will write in my native language so that I can say what I really want to say. 

Kapag nag mamahal ka sabi nila ang sarap daw ng feeling pero mas masarap kung ung pagmamahal na un ay ibinabalik sayo in other terms a mutual relationship is better compared sa one sided na love. Once nag start ang relationship between the two of you ayan na, diyan na magsisimula dumating ang mga problema. Problems are there to test you. Oo alam ko minsan mahirap tapos minsan feeling mo hindi mo na kaya pero ang totoo kaya mo naman masyado mo lang pinapangunahan ang sarili mo. Eventually dahil nga sa mga problemang dumadating minsan talaga hindi maiiwasang masira ang relationship between the two of you. Lalo na kung wala namang ginagawa para masolusyunan ang mga problemang dumadating. Having a relationship demands time, patience and understanding, kaya minsan hindi nagwowork out kasi ang ka partner ay hindi nakukuntento sa effort na binibigay ng ka partner nya. 

Eto na kapag nawala na kayo dadating ung phase na una hindi mo pa matanggap na wala na kayo. Syempre ume-emosyon ka muna. Magpapapansin sa text mo sa kanya or sa FB or sa Twitter. Ito ung sinasabi nilang denial stage. Hindi matanggap ang katotohanan at pinipilit parin ang nakaraan kaya nahihirapang umusad sa buhay pag-ibig. Syempre gagawa ka ng mga moves para mapansin at para marealize nya na ikaw talaga ang taong mahal nya at ang taong para sa kanya. And now I introduce to you the "Rubber band Theory". 

Nabasa ko itong theory na ito sa isang libro. Oo nagbabasa ako ng libro. HAHAHA. Anyway, sabi sa theory kapag ang relationship ay humantong na sa kinakatakutan na hiwalayan ang kailngn mong gawin ay lumayo. OO LUMAYO KA. Hindi ung pilit mong ipagsisiksikan ang sarili mo sa kanya, ay good luck naman sayo kung balikan ka pa niya HAHAHA. So ang una mong kailngang gawin ay lumayo. Lumayo ka as in space, distance. 'Wag mo daw syang susundan na parang aso or hanapin na parang ikaw ay magulang nya. Hayaan mo siya sa buhay nya. Hayaan mong marealize nya kung ano ang nawala sa kanya. Kapag na realize na nya na ikaw nga talaga ang mahal nya at nabigyan mo na siya ng time para mag isip then tsaka ka bumalik. Parang rubber band lang. Pwede mong i-stretch hanggang kaya mo pero eventually babalik pa din ito sa original nyang shape. Pero itong theory na ito ay may risk na involved. Sa paglayo mo maaaring marealize nya na hindi pala ikaw talaga ang para sa kanya or di kaya sa sobrang paglayo mo mapigtal na ang ugnayan nyo sa isa't isa. At iyan ang rubber band theory. 

Pumunta naman tayo sa part na Letting go and Moving on. In my opinion, opinion ko lang naman ito HAHAHA. Once na narealize mo na wala na, that there is no more chance of being together aba edi bitiw na! Bumitiw ka na sa nakaraan dahil kung patuloy kang kakapit lalo ka lang masasaktan. I know hindi madali mag let go. Mahirap kasi nga malalim na ang pinagsamahan nyo. Pero tandaan mo din na it will just make you stronger. Sa paraang ito malalaman mo kung san ka nagkamali, anong kailangan mo pang gawin at pano mo mapapatunayan sa sarili mo na kaya mo pa. Then the time comes to move on. Kasunod ng pagbitiw mo ay umusad ka na din sa buhay. Let the past remain as the past. Mag silbing aral na lang sa'yo ang nakaraan para hindi mo na maulit ang mga pagkakamali mo sa hinaharap. Kapag nalampasan mo ito siguro gagaan na ang pakiramdam mo. No more pain, no more regrets. 

Sabi nga sa kanta, "loving is not owning, we can let it go" see? pati kanta may ganang linya. Love will always be there. Hindi iyan nawawala. Sabi nga nila walang word na minahal, kasi deep inside meron pading kahit kaunting pagmamahal na natitira diyan sa puso mo para sa kanya. (nuhks may ganun). When you let go of love it will still find it's way back to it's rightful place. Maging masaya ka na lang kaysa malungkot ka pa at magpasalamt dahil naging parte sya ng buhay mo. Matuwa ka kasi naranasan mo yung ganang feeling at least alam mo pa ding tao ka kasi may nararamdaman ka :) 

So friends, let us all be happy! Happiness is a choice. If you choose to be happy then you will be happy HAHAHAHA. Enjoy life, relax and have fun. Commit mistakes and learn from them. Experience is the best teacher.

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P.S. 

Di ako bitter ha. I love my life. I have friends na mahal ko at mahal din ako, sooo wala lang nagpapaka defensive lang HAHAHAHA 

Love: Chance or Choice

While I was cleaning my room, I saw this pile of paper in a corner. I picked up the papers and to my surprise I saw this position paper that I wrote when I was still in high school. The paper is about love. HAHAHAHAHA yes! So typical for a high school student to write something about love. So ladies and gentlemen I present to you the paper that I wrote.

Love: Chance or Choice?

"No one falls in love by choice. It is by CHANCE.

No one stays in love by chance. It is by WORK.

No one falls out of love by chance. It is by CHOICE."

-- Anne Meesriyong

Love grows from the beast to the finest. It is not pious from the start but it slowly reaches higher levels. Bodily attraction is like an appetizer to run the engine of love and then principles and personality come into play to make love more potent. You could fall in love with anyone around and the only difference is that you meet the one you love, sooner enough than the one you could love. Our destiny is programmed or it may seem programmed. 

Many young boys and girls start caring for each other as their marriage contract is signed in the skies, but after a while, breaking up is the only thing that comes up in their minds; the whole thing would be ended until a different case takes place. They will start loving somebody else as if the earlier one never existed, and that is the world we live in.

I think we can define when to fall in love, but we need to be prepared. Scramble to discover a refuge, the time that illustrious bow is prematurely aimed at your heart and then get out of there when you think it is the right time to give your heart away. This shelter can be God, your family, friends, education or work. 

Love is one of the most valuable and cherished feelings in one's life. Love and affection should be used cautiously and under strong self-control. There are two ways of falling in love. The first way, which is mostly admired, is by way of chance. An example of chance is as follows: a man and a woman are introduced to one another and make eye contact. Then a certain feeling bonds the two, forming love, which eventually will lead to an everlasting marriage. The other way to fall in love is by choice. It could be either the parent's choice or one of the couple's choices. Because of this, I feel that love by way of chance has a higher percentage of lasting than does love by choice. 

Love that occurs by opportunity is more frequent and it is not because he or she is pretty or smart rather it is a connection of some sort, like personalities or distinctiveness in common. Affection should be based on what is in the heart and perhaps the brain. The way I see it, falling in love by chance is the most stunning emotion in the world. 

Love by choice, particularly not yours, is an awful way to live a life. It is hard for the one who did not have the choice. If one has to pick their husband or wife it should not depend on their riches, status or their reputation. It should be a cautious choice that will make one contented for the rest of their life. A good instance that my classmates and I could relate to: Daughters ans sons are more often than not married off by their parents through a deal at the ages of twelve and thirteen. They grow up knowing who they are going to marry for seven or eight years having no say in the matter. They have to discover to feel affection for their companion and I feel it is a miserable way to marry someone and feel for that person. 

I think that love by way of chance is a far better way to feel affection for somebody than by way of preference. I feel that love is the most striking sensation and that all and sundry ought to have a chance to have a feeling of true love. 

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HAHAHA I could not stop myself from laughing. Where did I get these ideas to write this kind of paper? It must be the hormones.

Letter to my Friends

Lately I had been thinking about certain things in life and the things that I believe in. (just kidding). I do want this blog post to be light to read and I don't want to sound and look like someone who messes around with other people's businesses, but I just can't take it anymore HAHAHAHA. This is just my way of expressing my opinion. I don't intend to have an argument with someone or get myself into trouble. I just want to tell my opinion and insight. 

I don't have a problem with friends helping each other. I do help my friends because I care for them. I do have a problem with friends helping their friends and taking sides. For example I have two friends and both of them is troubled with the same problem, I will give pieces of advice to them but I won't tell them to do this or that, just to favor one of them. I am the person that when it comes to problems, I would tell them what I would do if I were in that situation but I won't instruct them to do the same things that I had done. I want them to figure it out on their own and settle it for themselves. I love my friends so much that I don't want anyone of them getting hurt or anyone of them getting into a fight and ending the friendship that stood the test of time. 

I know that this problem could be resolved. I know that it just needs time for things to settle. Timing is really important when dealing with problems. Though I want to comfort all of my friends who are having problems I can't, because I do have problems too and my future is at stake here HAHAHA. Kidding aside, I want you to know that I love each and everyone of you and that is why I wrote this entry. 

Dear Friends,

I am dying.(just kidding). I am not dying and I am far from dying because I still have many dreams in life. So here goes my letter for you. I know that I may not be the best friend that you have but I am your friend who will stick with you until the end, so be glad you have me (HAHAHAHA). I want you to know that what ever problems you may have and what ever challenges you may take. I will be here to support you and guide you in every step of the way. I want you to know that giving up is not an option. I want you to enjoy life and be happy of what you have right now. Let's not make hasty decisions because we might regret it in the end. To me you are special and I hope that I am the same to you. I hope and pray that all your dreams come true and may you be successful with every endeavors you may take. We may not get along with every decision and we may had had fights along the way, but always know this. I did not intend to hurt you and I know you did not want to hurt me too. I want the best for you and I know you want the best for me too. Friends look out for each other. So when you feel you are all alone, don't forget that I am still here. I may not be there physically, but always remember that I am in you heart and you are also in my heart. If you miss me, just do what I do when I miss you too. I close my eyes and I think of all the happy memories that we had. Take care and don't ever think that I don't care about you. :)